FIFA Presidency... LOLS.

Wednesday saw the long-awaited and hotly contended FIFA Presidency elections! Football fans the world over were eagerly clinging onto the hope that, in the light of recent corruption allegations, Sepp Blatter would finally be outvoted by his peers and we’d see the dawning of a new era for world football. The suitors to Sepp’s hilarious and ill-earned throne were Asian Football Confederation President Mohamed Bin Hammam (who allegedly bought Qatar, the 2022 World Cup, and has been sacked because of these allegations) and Sports Illustrated journalist Grant Wahl.

Blatter pretending to listen and care.

In the case of Grant Wahl, a man who is clearly grotesquely under-qualified to run the world’s governing body for football, all he needed was ONE Football Association to nominate him. Every F.A. has the same pull and power in the elections, so perhaps England could have nominated him? No. We abstained from voting as a form of protest, but given the chance to ACTUALLY change anything, we figured it would be better not to.
Could his homeland of America nominate him? USA’s Chuck Blazer (A.K.A Hagrid McSantabelly) was the one who made these corruption allegations anyway… but no. Probably better not to…
Could a smaller nation like DR Congo could nominate him? It’s not as if they’re going to suffer much from any possible FIFA backlash, they have nothing as it stands… but no. As a nation they have little in the way of Football success, financial or otherwise, but the man representing the nation was (and is) getting plenty of cash in the way of “gifts” as he enters his fourth term since his induction in 1985. FIFA may be a charity (lol, seriously), but that doesn’t mean no one can be paid… a phenomenal amount.
With Bin Hammam sacked (only for the duration of these elections, mind) and Wahl fighting the existing corruption and his own lack of qualifications, Blatter stood alone.
The long-awaited and inevitably corrupt election is now over; Blatter won!